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WhizJ3<m£ 



Vol. Ill 



March, 1922 



No. 31 




J 



They're Going Fast! 



Whiz Bang's greatest book — The Winter An- 
nual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22 — hot off the 
press. Orders are now h^ng mailed. There will 
be no delay as long &6 (Eg supply lasts. If your 
news stand's quota is so!3 cut — 

PIN A DOLLAR BILL 

Or your check, money order or stamps 
To the coupon on the back page. 

And receive our 256-page bound volume of 
jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag 
and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever 
put in print 

REMEMBER, FOLK 

: Last year our Annual (which was only one- 
fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out 
on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, 
and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the 
United States within ten days. 

So hurry up ! First Come will be First Served ! 

Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to 
the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn. 



Don't write for early back copies of our regular issues- 
We haven't any left. 



LIMMMIIMn}llEfliMli!HtiJMIil[UJ1iiMlllJfJIIM!MnJ{ilMNHI!MlliU!l!i![l^i:illMiHIIIMUtili!!ll!lliJITill!HIJIinilMMMitJ!MI 

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America's Magazine of 

Wit, Humor and 

Filosophy 



MARCH, 1922 



Vol. III. No. 31 



ished \I/ 1_I P awrp ff at Robbinsdale, 
thly "• **• raWCeit, Minnesota 



Published 

Mon 



Entered as second-class matter May, I, 1920, at the postofiice at 

Robbinsdale. Minnesota, under the 

Act of March 3. 1879. 

Price 25 cents $2.50 per year 

ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL 



5 






Captain Billy's 

Whiz Bang 



Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part 
permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang. 



"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is 
loyalty to the American people. — Theodore Roosevelt. 



Copyright 1922 
ByW.H. Fawcett 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. 
Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news 
stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no 
clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a 
year in advance. 



Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and 
dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States 




Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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| Drippings From the Fawcett 

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THREE weeks of Havana's cliquot, bacardi, 
cervesa, horse races, jai alai, casino, and 
the rattly-bang-bang, of garbage cans 
piercing shrieks of peddlers, not to mention 
rip-snorting roaring and exhausted automo- 
biles, have had their exhilerating effects on the 
usual hum drum existence that has been my 
part of living on a quiet Minnesota farm. The 
contrast is pleasant although somewhat tire- 
some. There's been too much excitement for 
the little old editor of this family journal of 
travel. 

Sometime in the dim and distant past I was 
told that the most difficult feature in writing 
was to transcribe the first paragraph. My 
hardest job here is to stay away from the 
Scotch and soda long enough to even think 
what the first paragraph will look like. How- 
ever, with the able assistance of my good old 
pals, the Haig brothers, I am at last seated by 
a rickety old dining room table in an apartment 
overlooking the Malecon, Morro Castle and the 
Gulf of Mexico. 

Confucius once said: "It is not the wine 
that makes a man drunk — it is the man him- 



4 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



tl||llllltrrtllltt!MllltlilllllHt]IIIIIIHni!!lliiiiit!liHIiliiiriiiiniu.i:i 



self." This filosophy applies to Cuba today. I 
have seen more "saloons" in Havana and fewer 
intoxicated persons than in any city in the 
United States, both before and since the adop- 
tion of the prohibition amendment. 

The easy manner in which we Americans- 
can get borie-eyed drunk on a few shots of 
moonshine reminds of the Wag Jag ditty about 

DeGulick McBlue, psychological stew, 
Could always get tight on one small shot or two — 
Far from proving his worldliness, toughness and such. 
It all went to show that he couldn't stand much. 

In Havana it is forbidden by law to kiss your 
wife on the gang-plank, in a taxi or other pub- 
lic place. The usual fine for violation is $25. 

Spooning custom here is quite different, too. 
In Cuba every residential window is protected 
by iron bars similar to our jails. It is through 
these barriers that lovers must cuddle and coo 
— at least until he becomes so nervous and 
tired from continual standing that he pops the 
question. I know it would be rather tough on 
some of our Minnesota farmhands if the farm- 
ers should adopt a custom similar to Cuba. 

THE first thing I learned in Havana was 
that the Cubans do not like the Whiz 
Bang's traveling correspondent, Rev. 
"Golightly" Morrill. Mr. Morrill's name is 
anathema to the average native, due undoubt- 
edly to the fact that our reverend friend rarely 
deals out his views of life with kid glove .. He 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



liliiiiuiiniiiiiiiiiucriiiiMiiiiti.Miti'.^iiitti'.tiitiiiiiiinmitnii nun 



sees the world from the standpoint of the bet- 
terment of humanity and in seeking to attain 
his end, strikes out in two-fisted manner. 

In republishing a recent Morrill article from 
this magazine, a Havana publication takes this 
rap at our correspondent: 

The Rev. "Golightly" Morrill is still tramping 
around the world seeking muck in which to wallow. 
After his experience in the West Indies and Central 
America it was not to be supposed that he would find 
anything very bad to write about, but it seems that he 
has discovered familiar iniquities on the beaches of 
California. 



W 1 



E chanced into a gringo barroom towards 
the close of one evening, lured by broken 
melodies of the brass rail gang. Through 
the bedlam we could catch swinging tunes of: 

I'll never get drunk any more, I'll never get drunk any more, 
I'll never enter a barroom door, I'll never get drunk any 

more. 
I wish I had taken my mother's advice, and married a. nice 

little wife, 
And settled dozvn in the old home town, to lead an honest 

life. 
My father gave me a fortune, I placed it all in my trunk, 
But I lost it all a-gambling, one night while I was drunk. 
I'll never get drunk any more. 

And this one: 

IVific says you're crazy, you're drunk, you're blind and can't 

see, 
That's nothing but a cabbage head the grocer gave to me. 
Now ten thousand miles I've traveled, with ten thousand 

more to go, 
But whiskers on o cabbage head I never saw before. 



6 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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EVER since the death of our good neighbor, 
Cyrus Hopkins, his lonely widow has 
made a conscientious study of spiritual- 
ism. The other morning Mrs. Hopkins visited 
a Minneapolis medium in the hopes she might 
communicate with her late husband. The con- 
nection soon was made and the following con- 
versation took place: 

"Is this you, Cyrus?" 

"Yes, dear." 

"Are you happy?" 

"Yes, dear." 

"Happier than when you were with me?" 

"Yes, dear." 

"Ain't heaven just grand?" 

"I don't know, dear. I'm in hell." 

HOW, Kind and Forbearing Readers of this 
great encyclopedia of Psychic Research, 
better known as The Whiz Bang, pause a 
moment while Ye Ed relates how Sir Harry 
Lauder indirectly caused me much embarrass- 
ment. 

While lunching at the Friars' Club on my 
last visit to New York City, I was cordially in- 
vited to a big reception at the Hotel Commodore 
in honor of Sir Harry Lauder, famous Scottish 
comedian. The momentous night arrived and 
I donned by "Sunday-go-to-meeting" clothes for 
the great event. Please try to imagine my 
chagrin and sheepishness when friends who had 
called to escort me, very courteously and, I 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



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might add, diplomatically informed me that "it 
was to be a full dress affair." How in heck 
could a horny-handed tiller of the soil be ex- 
pected to possess a dress suit? After thanking 
my kind auditors in as gracious a manner as 
possible, I suggested that probably Sir Harry 
might consider overalls more appropriate for 
me. Anyway I did not attend the reception. 
Next day my Friar friends told me about it and 
I was happily regaled with Scottish humor. 
The chairman, they said, graciously introduced 
Lauder as his "closest friend." Will these jokes 
on Sir Harry's thrift never cease? 



DURING recent pilgrimages that carried 
me east, west, north and south, I ran 
across many amusing, although some- 
times embarrassing situations. Chief among 
them was the constantly manifested surprise 
of newly-found friends that there was actually 
such a personage, in flesh and blood, as Captain 
Bilious Billy. 

Here is a fair list of the questions usually 
dished out by new acquaintances : 

"Why, I supposed the Whiz Bang was only 
'kidding' and that 'Captain Billy' was merely 
a book name." 

"And do you really drink that horrid moon- 
shine?" 

"Did you have a hired man named Gus?" 






8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



iimtriimminmimii 



"Is Pedro your honest-to-goodness pedigreed 
bull?" 

"Is there actually a town named Robbins- 
dale?" 

"Did a honeymooning couple really leave 
their automobile seat with you when they went 
to the village constable to report the theft of 
their car?" 

It was necessary to plead guilty to nearly 
all the allegations heaped on me. Of course, 
poor Pedro is no more, he having "kicked the 
bucket" last July, and Gus, too, has sorta back- 
slid. Gus always was an in-and-outer anyway. 

* * * 

Gus, my old time hired man, has busted into 
poetry again. The old boy must be getting a 
whiff of the pine forests about Breezy Point 
Lodge. Well, here you go, Gus, — we'll publish 
this one: 

/ am only a poor old wanderer; 

I have no place to call my home; 
No one to pity me, no one to cheer me, 

As friendless and sadly I roam. 

It is tramp, tramp along though I'm weary; 

To rest through the long, long day; 
Through the rain and the snow I mast tramp to and fro, 

For ifs the poor tramp's way. 

How I long for a place by the fireside, 

When the night it is cold, chill and damp; 
Vacant places I see, but there's no room for me, 

For I'm only a poor old tramp. 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



The Ornery Pups 

A traveler in the Tennessee mountains 
sought refuge one evening at a wayside cabin. 

He had traveled all one chill, April day and 
was cold, hungry and footsore. With true 
mountain hospitality the old mountaineer in- 
vited him to supper, and insisted that he spend 
the night. 

The host made him comfortable before a 
huge open fireplace, and set a jug of mountain 
dew beside his chair. Also introduced him to 
his eighteen-year-old daughter, who was the 
only other occupant of the cabin, unless we may 
include four lank hounds stretched before the 
fireplace. 

The old man hastened out to look after his 
chores and the girl busied herself in the kitchen. 

The cabin was typical of the region, having 
two rooms, one containing a bed and two chairs, 
and the other serving as kitchen and dining 
room. 

The traveler, left to himself, took three or 
four heavy shots of the moonshine and soon 
forgot his weariness and the chill of the April 
day. He divested himself of his shoes, settled 
himself with a sigh of content, and steamed his 
sopping feet in the glow of the fire. 

Shortly one of the hounds raised his head, 
languidly, and sniffed suspiciously. 

He scrambled to his feet, howled mourn- 
fully and dived beneath the bed, the others fol- 
lowing him as if they had gone crazy. A piteous 



10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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whining and snarling issued from under the 
bed for several minutes, and the traveler be- 
came alarmed. The dogs must be mad. 

He arose and opened the door, and the dogs 
shot from under the bed, and through the open 
door. Each departed, howling as if St. Nick 
was after him. 

It was puzzling to say the least. 

The comely daughter entered the room 
shortly, and the traveler addressed her as fol- 
lows: 

"What is the matter with those dogs?" he 
inquired. 

"I dunno," she replied, "Lessem one uv 'em 
brung somepin dead indoors. Dad alius kicks 
hell out'en the whole passell uv them when they 
do thet." 



The Young Gringo 

Havana's tropical sunshine, coupled with a, few jolts of 
"Ron Bacardi Superior," hath driven ye old cap'n to lyrical 
lines of lisping lingo. So I sit me down on my cane bottom 
chair with pencil stub in hand to transcribe that famous 
Cholo rhyme, "The Young Gringo." The poem has to do 
with the proper actions of Americans in Cuba-, and other 
tropical countries. 

The first you must learn is to listen, not speak, 
For the one thing we hate is a youngster with cheek, 
Shut up from the first; be attentive and meek 
When you're next to a hardened old gringo. 

And now, from the start, don't mistakenly think, 
That to be a good sport you must gamble and drink, 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 11 



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And play the darn fool: to rise up — not sink — 
Is the motto of every right gringo. 

But, if you do gamble and never can win, 
Don't damn at the dice— box, and kick up a din, 
But keep your tongue silent, and switch on a grin, 
And pay up your debts like a gringo. 

Don't think that love's river continually flows; 
But just take a tip from a fellow who knows. 
And pay for the water for washing your clothes — 
It's cheaper all round for the gringo. 

Yet, when you have read this, you don't think I'm right, 
And, in spite of the caution, your love-thoughts take flight, 
Then take my advice, son; wed something that's white! 
It's best in the end for a gringo. 

If you happen to take a fair darasel to dine, 
Don't squander your money to put up a shine, 
But order her beer (though she may ask for wine). 
Or you'll sure be a fool of a gringo. 

Now, if you must drink, my advice to begin 

Is to stick to a whisky and soda ... or gin; 

And never forget that the bottle must win, 

For it's never been beat by a gringo. 

So don't go on thinking your inside's a sieve; 
And now there's a piece of advice I would give: 
If you ain't good, be careful! . . . and then you may live 
To get your grey hairs as a grmgo. 

Be slow to offend, and reluctant to blame; 
Be quick to forgive; and treat all men the same — 
You must hold a Straight Flush in life's little game 
To be worthy the name of a gringo. 
* * * 

'Sa Nice Day, Haintit? 

A stuttering man walked up to a boy who 
had a parrot in a cage and said, "Ca — ca — can 
tha — tha — that parrot talk?" 

"Well," replied the boy, "if he couldn't talk 
better than you I'd kill him." 



12 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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This Sounds Like Bull 

A visitor who was stopping at a hotel was 
much disturbed by the snoring of one of his 
friends sleeping in an adjoining room. Sud- 
denly the snore ceased and death-like stillness 
oppressed the listener. Thinking that some- 
thing had happened to his friend, he went into 
his room, and found him sitting up in bed. 
The friend said, "I was sleeping with my mouth 
open, and I think I have swallowed a mouse." 

The hotel doctor was sent for, who adopted 
the novel expedient of calling in the services of 
the hotel cat, and placed a piece of toasted 
cheese some little distance from the patient's 
mouth, thinking that the mouse, smelling the 
cheese, would come out to eat it and would fall 
a prey to the cat. While the remedy was work- 
ing, the doctor went downstairs to get a drink, 
and the patient fell asleep and resumed his 
snoring. 

When the doctor returned the cat was miss- 
ing. 

* * * 

Pat's Hole 

Pat was hard at work digging a post-hole, 
when the boss strolled by. "Well, Pat," said he, 
noting the progress of the work, "do you think 
you will be able to get all that dirt back into 
the hole again?" 

Pat looked doubtfully at the pile of dirt, 
and after some thought, said: "No, sor. Sure, 
I don't think I've dug the hole deep enough." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 13 

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Mirrors of Life and Love 

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BY PRINCESS BIBESCO 
Daughter of Margot Asquith 

LOVE — "Isn't that what love means, to fill 
ordinary, commonplace conventional things 
with magic and significance, not to need the 
moon and white scent-heavy flowers at night? 
* * * You talk about love. What a 
strange, restricted growth it is with you. You 
don't know what the real thing means, you 
who think passion is bad taste because you 
are not tempted, you to whom the physical 
side is a degrading extra." * * * When 
he was with her now he stammered. He 
didn't know that a stammer is the divine 
eloquence of love. 

PASSION — Passion is no respecter of persons. 
She hardly seems to select her victims. How 
many a would-be Juliet waits in vain for 
those consuming fires her heart is longing 
for, while they blaze in the reluctant hearts 
of Mr. Adrian Eoses, who only ask to be 
left in peace, far from the ridiculous and, 
thank God, equally far from the sublime. 
Are men in love like this: 



^H= 



14 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 

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"She was the first person Ee had ever loved. 
He had trembled when he touched her. His 
spasms of passion had been like spasms of 
pain, his face contorted and his voice rough, 
and then there had followed intervals of 
wretched shyness. When he had thought of 
possessing her he had become a saint waiting 
for a divine manifestation." 
MARRIAGE — "We just are hopelessly unsuited 
to each other. Do you seriously think that 
you want a wife like me?" * * * "Marriage 
will modify you." * * * "Marriage might 
modify me if I married the right man. Mar- 
riage to you would bring out everything you 
hate." * * * "Helena, do you realize that 
I love you?" "You don't know what love 
means." * * * "Of course I don't. If I 
did I might want to marry you." 

PROTEST AGAINST REALISM— "What is it 
one yearns for? It is to be able to do a thing 
for the first time again. And that is im- 
possible. When I love, what do I want? I 
want never to have kissed, never to have given 
myself before. It is in vain, I say — 'Never 
before was I awake — I was a dummy in the 
hands of fate — now I am alive.' I was shut 
up perhaps, but my outer petals were touched. 
Oh, my God, make me again the child I was — 
but He cannot answer." 

DISILLUSIONMENT— What are we to tell 
our children? How are they to know that 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 15 



iiiiTTiiiimiimmim'iv.riiriimiiirimiimu] mum tiniri milium 



the first accidental encounter with life may 
take from them a treasure they will only 
learn about in forty storm-tossed years? 
Those first gifts — those shy blossomings 
lovely in their unconsciousness — are surely 
but the squandering of something half alive, 
the foolish murder of a bud. Oh, youth is a 
wicked, cruel thing, eating miracles with its 
breakfast and not knowing they are not por- 
ridge. 

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS— "I don't want 
anything except to be wanted. I long for you 
to make ceaseless, impossible demands on me." 

THE GOAL OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT— 
"All my life I have been teased for asking 
not, 'Is she beautiful?' 'Is she clever?' but 
always 'Is she happy?' I think it is in many 
ways the most interesting thing about a per- 
son. * * * Happiness is a light, an atmos- 
phere, an illumination. It sets a personality. 
I always feel it is a creation that is difficult 
for some and easy for others, but essentially 

an achievement, never an accident." 

* * * 

Our Exchange 

Henpecked and haggard husband asked the 
butcher: "What kind of meat have you this 
morning?" 

"Some steak as tender as a woman's heart," 
said the butcher. 

"I'll take sausage," said the customer. 



16 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



miimimimmmiiiiiimiiinmi miuiimiiitinmiiri- 



Unrequited Love 

By Walter Scott Haskell. 

In the place first, I want it understood that I am a 
California cousin to a doughboy's cootie. 

When first I clapped my binnacle lights on the robust 
form of Susanna, I knew that she was my meat, vulgarly 
speaking. I loved her very avoirdupois, and that was 
going some, as she was no light article. I took her gauge 
one evening as we sat in the parlor and I snuggled up 
to her in a most friendly fashion. My advances were 
met with cold resentment. She did not say a word, but 
she jammed my head against her corset in a manner that 
bespoke her an amazon of no mean physical power. I 
thought my spinal column was broken ; but when she 
let go, I breathed a sigh of relief and was contented to 
just look at her and nurse my sprained parts. I decided 
to use diplomacy, and waited until she had taken herself 
to the arbor hammock in the garden to indulge in an 
afternoon siesta. I watched around, and when I saw her 
eyelids droop and close, her breast heave in regular 
breathing as one asleep, I made my way to her side and 
bent over her fair face. How my mouth watered for a 
bite of her, but I almost feared that she would wake and 
lam me in the jaw. Temptation was too strong, however, 
and in an evil moment I turned my attention to her roll- 
down stocking that showed a goodly proportion of her 
nether parts. With a kind of subdued clicking of my 
jaws, I put my lips to her bare knee and experienced the 
joy of a stolen kiss. It may have been a disgraceful act, 
anyway the tickle of my touch awoke her, and she kicked 
unmercifully, like a cow that will not be milked. I 
ducked and escaped death, with a mouthful of her blood, 
the best that I had ever had, for she was my meat, and 
I am a California flea. 



A summer night and a maid and a man has 
frequently caused an early fall! 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 17 



iiMimimmi uuiuimii 



Kablegram Love 

She was a pretty and ambitious} girl and 
had studied the matrimonial problem to a 
nicety. 

"Yes, I suppose I shall wed eventually," she 
said, "but the only kind of masculine nuisance 
that will suit me must be tall and dark, with 
classical features. He must be brave, yet 
gentle. Withal he must be strong — a lion 
among men, but a knight among ladies." 

That even a bow-legged, lath-framed youth, 
wearing checked trousers and smoking a cigar- 
ette that smelt worse than a burning boot, 
rattled on the back door and the girl knocked 
four tumblers and a cut glass fruit dish off the 
sideboard in her haste to get to him. 

* * * 

The New Nursery 

Dickering, dickering, Doc, 
With patients lined up a block, 

With fits and conniptions 

They wait for prescriptions: 
"Liquor me, liquor me, Doc." 

—A. J. S. 



Long, Long Ago 

We like the story from Ralph Neville's 
"Mayf air and Montmartre," of the little chorus 
lady who, when her rich admirer had bought 
her some charming underclothing, said to him 
in the shop as they were being packed : "Now 



18 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



imitnuimiimmiiiimiiiriTimiiiiimmiiMtn 



have a good look at them, for you'll never see 
them again." 

This, of course, occurred in the long, long 
ago Victorian days. 

* * * 

Zup, Kid? 

While in Jacksonville I chanced into a Greek 
restaurant and of the waiter inquired what 
they had for dinner. 

Small Stack Medyum 
Rust Baff 
Horn on Eggs 
Chicken Frazee 
Appolis Pie 
Pach Pie 
Strubberry Pie 
Grap Frut 
Zup, Kid? 

A normal woman would joyously go through 
life with a pirate or yeggman who would drug 
her with the opiate of flattery, in preference 
to hooking onto a nincompoop tango lizard who 
refreshes her with eternal, infernal, divinal 
criticism. 

♦ * # 

Consolation Kiddoo 

"If I die," said the sick man gloomily, ''what 
will become of you and the children?" 

"Oh, don't worry, darling," replied the little 
woman. "I'll soon find somebody to take care 
of us," 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 19 

mnniillliiiiilimilil iriilllliiiimmrmiiimini mui iiiininmm mum m iiillllirililllliiriiitiiiiiiitiiiiiiliiiltn.il imiiiiiiiiiitiiiillMniiiiiimtmtllllliiii 



No Offense Here, Paddy 

An Irishman while on his way to call upon 
his best girl suddenly caught sight of a beauti- 
ful parrot in a nearby tree. 

He decided it would be just the present for 
her. Slowly he drew near the bird and upon 
reaching one of the highest branches, was just 
about to grab his prey when the parrot, 
who had been eyeing him sharply, suddenly 
squawked, "Well, what do you want?" 

Pat withdrew his hand and humbly made 
answer, "Excuse me. Er — I thought you was a 
bird." 

♦ 9 "•& 

Let's sing it again : 

"And when they asked- her why the 'el she wore it, 
Oh, she wore it for her lover who was far, far away." 
Now for the chorus: 

"Far away, far away, oh, she wore it, etc." 

* * * 

Hot Stuff 

They arrived home late from the party. 
Wife took off her hat and slammed it on the 
floor. Then she confronted her hubby. 

"I'll never take you to another party as long 
as I live!" she said. 

"Why?" he calmly wanted to know. 

"You asked Mrs. Jones how her husband has 
been standing the heat." 

"Well?" 

"Well, her husband has been dead two 
months." 



20 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



*«;nmiiiitiin-iii[ii liiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiMrit'i i] 



Our Puzzle Department 

Father and son were licking up moonshine. 

"Father," asked the son, "how am I to know 
when I'm drunk?" 

The old man pointed across the street. 
"When those two men over there look like 
four/' he responded. 

"But father," interrupted the son, "I see 
only one man there." 

* * * 

Let This One Sink In 

Lion Tamer — "Step into the cage with the 
lion, Rastus, and let the photographer focus 
you." 

Rastus — "He'd better focus me before ah 
goes in there, boss, for he ain't gwine hab no 

time to focus me when ah comes out." 

* * * 

Actors are the bunk. I heard one in Minne- 
apolis knocking St. Paul and I applauded him, 
and I saw the same actor in St. Paul knocking 

Minneapolis and I gave him the razzberry. 

* * * 

Our Spring Thriller 

"I've got you at last," he cried, "move if you 
dare, move! It's taken me many years, but at 
last I've got you where I want you! Now I 
dare you to move!" 

"Yep, you're right," replied his friend, "it's 
the first game of checkers you ever did win 
from me." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 21 

•ttwiiiiiiiniiiriiiitiiimiiiimiiiiiJiiii Minimum iniiuiiiltiniuitli iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihiiiiimiiiiiiminiiiiinuiiinii.iiiiiiiiiiiiiirMUJiiimimiii 



jpiiiiuinniiiiiiu^ 

Questions and Answers 

iuillillllllIII!i!lllll!l!lllllllliillllll!illlll!llllllllll!!IIIIIIH^ 

Dear Capt. Billy — If your pedigreed bull is a 
thoroughbred, why not have him registered? — 
Simon Simple. 

No use to register him; he couldn't vote 
anyway. 

* * * 

Dear Capt. Billy — My wife is getting too 
strenuous. The other day she broke a plate 
over my head. What would you advise me to 
do? — Nyce Boise. 

You might try cast iron plates. 

^ ^ % 

Dear Capt. Bill — Please define love? — Amor- 
ous Annabelle. 

Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle 
sympathy that blends the world into a thing of 

joy and pleasure unrestrained. 

* * * 

Dear Bill — Is "The Eternal Triangle" a play 
or a book?- — Innocent Imogene. 

It's a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play, 
Imogene, in which all humans have at some 
time or other enacted a leading part — Adam 
and Eve excepted. In fact I feel certain that 
neither Adam or Eve ever "Cribbed" in the 



1 



22 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



:i!lllltimiTTllllllllllLII!!!1Iltli111l«""IUII[l 



University of Paradise with its rapturous 
courses of enchantment. There's a reason. 

♦ ♦. Sfc 

Dear Skipper — What epidemics were suf- 
fered by United States troops during the World 
War?— Si Frever. 

Spanish influenza and American Shavetails. 
Both were rather annoying at times, as any 

doughboy will tell you. 

* * * 

Dear Farmer Bill — Being as how you are a 

tiller of the soil, I suppose you're familiar with 
the "Black Eye Susan?"— Nick Nack. 

No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know 
the gentlemen who gave it to her. 

* ^ * 

Dear Bill — Is there very much difference 
in women as a whole 1^—King Young. 

They're all alike, young man, except they've 

got different names. 

* * * 

Dear Skipper — What is meant by "The Port 
of Missing Men?"— Berry M. Deep. 

Ladies' night in a Turkish bath. 

* * * 

Dear Skipper — Who are the leading Turkish 
rulers? — Jack Sellers. 

Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf. 

$ * 4 

Dear Capt. Billy — What is your best defini- 
tion of a diplomat? — Phillis Fullabunk. 

A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 23 



•tiimtimifiiiMitit 11 iii-mi! iiiiiiii-ninirir iiiimiiirriin triiiitfrmmitNtiiriiiiiiiiiumimniiiiiMiiiiiimiim:iiii!immtimiti:ii::i nni'iTtiiritniimitmiuriiimt 

gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so 
that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is 
just getting up. 

$ $ $ 

Dear Capt. Billy — Will you please tell me 
who invented apple sauce? — Anna Nyas. 

William Tell. He shot the apple off his son's 
head and they all had apple sauce for supper. 

Dear Captain Bill — Don't you think a 
woman is everything in the world? — Tiddle- 
dewinks. 

Yes, indeed — everything I can think of. 

Dear Capt. Billy — What is the easiest way 
to drive a nail without smashing my fingers? 
*—Ab Doman. 

Hold the hammer in both hands. 

# # -* 

Dear Whiz Bang Bill — What is your idea 
Of the height of absentmindedness? — Lou Z. 
Lizzie. 

The professor who woke up at daylight and 
found a fair lady beside him, much to his 
astonishment, having forgotten that he had 
married the night before. 

4t $ $ 

Dear Capt. Billy — Can you give me a good 
remedy for toothache? — Holey G. Macknaw. 

Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a 
hot stove till the water boils. 



24 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



■immiimiiii'M.t mi iiiiiiiiiiii>iiiitiiiiiiiiii[iiiiiiriiri!iiNiiiiiiitt!iiiii'iiii:iiii[i(!i[iiiiiiii<initlliililliiti 

Dear Capt. Billy — What is good to keep 
hair in? — Baldy Bozo. 

A cigar box. 

Preacher — Take up the collection before I 
start preaching. 
Why? 
Preacher — Because I'm going to preach on 

thrift. 

Sunday School Teacher — "Percy, what must 
we do before our sins can be forgiven?" 
Percy— "Sin." 

=!= * * 

Proudie! Proudie! 

A well-known actor was introduced to a 
chap who didn't strike him particularly because 
he was prejudiced against men who talk in 
soprano voices. The next time they met he 
ignored the fellow entirely. A few days later 
he ran across the fellow again, but his face was 
still frozen. 

The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and 
he of the soprano voice waltzed up to the dis- 
gusted actor's table. 

"Do you know," he said, "we have met three 
times and you weally haven't noticed me?" 
Then with- a sibilant lisp in a high C that no- 
body in the cafe could miss, he gave the actor 
three little dabs on the shoulder and squeaked, 
"Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!" 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



25 



ii iiiuuuiiiii minium n 



Parlor Story 

One day an inspector of a New York tene- 
ment house found four families living in one 
room, chalk lines having been drawn in such a 
manner as to mark out a quarter for each 
family. 

"How do you get along here?" inquired the 
inspector. 

"Very well," was the reply, "Only the man 

in the farthest corner keeps boarders." 

* * * 

Some kind-hearted man of money moves the 
motion that Manhattan's mackerel munching 
macaroons be deported to Waikiki Beach to 
indulge in the popular Hawaiian pastime of 
poi-eating. 

# * # 

Another Nut Story 

"Mine is a sad case, Lady," said the solemn 
visaged inmate of the asylum to the visitor. 

"My parents fed me Gripe nuts; made me 
sleep up in the garret among the rats, in a 
'buggy' bed and beneath a crazy quilt. My 
only pet was a squirrel, and my only toys, the 
wheels from a cuckoo clock." 

And striking a Napoleonic attitude, he 
strode out in search of Josephine. 

* * * 

Oh, Doc Crafts! 

Some people are so dry that talking to them 
is like chewing a blotter. 



26 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



liiliiiiiiiniirtrittiiii!;!Niiiri;iii:]ii:iiiiiii!iiiiiliHJlliUin 



This Ain't Very Hot 

The Meanest Man bought his bride a nickel's 
worth of candy as a wedding present, then took 
her on a trolley ride honeymoon. 

After they got off the car he said, "Let's 
save some of that candy for the children." 

* * * 

Lampoon's Stuff 

He got on at Park and sat in the last car. 

She got on at Park and sat in the last car. 

When he went over the bridge he smiled. 
She laughed aloud. At Kendall she crossed 
her legs. He crossed his fingers. At Central 
he had her phone number. She had his watch. 
When they reached Harvard he offered to take 
her home. He kissed on the front porch. Then 
he went back to Ridgely Annex and cut one 
more notch in his shoe trees. 

"I guess it's my personality," he thought as 
he tumbled into bed. 

"I guess it's my smile," she thought as she 
tumbled into bed. 

Fido, Quit Your Pekin 

"Marie is so modest she puts her pet dog out 
of the room while she is changing her gown!" 
"The idea!" 

"Well— it's a Pekingese." 

* * * 

There are two classes of people: those who sit and 
think, and those who sit. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 27 



illllllil mmtitimiifi i m iiiiiiiiiiiihii iiMliiMiilliliiiilllllllllllillillllillii 



The Crap Shooter's Wedding 

Preacher — Rastus, do yo' take dis here 
woman for better or for worse? 

Rastus (from habit) — Pahson, Ah shoots de 
works ! 

* * * 

The Program 

I pressed thy round, full mouth to mine own 

In ecstacy. 
I drew the fragrant perfume of thee 

Into me. 
My trembling hand about thy slender neck. 

With a curse: for I knew 
That thou wast empty, little pint bottle. 

Knockem On the Kiss 
He — Do you like indoor sports? 

She — Yes, if they go home early. 

* * * 

"Will you please insert this obituary 
notice?" asked an old gentleman of Pedigreed 
Bull Smith of the Minneapolis Journal. "I make 
bold to ask it because the deceased had a great 
many friends about here who'd be glad to hear 

of his death." 

* * * 

Irish Pot Pourri 

As the old saying goes — you'll find no Chinese laundries 

where the River Shannon flows. 

* * * 

If everything we did in life was printed on 
our foreheads there would not be so many 
reformers out in the daytime. 



28 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



limilllllllllillim>."iijtl Ill IIIIII -ml mini' 



The Fireless Telephone 

In Hades: "Hell-o!" 

In Heaven: "Hal-o!" 

* * * 

"Were you ever pinched for going too fast?" 
"No, but I've been slapped." 

"Mary, Mary, slightly airy, 

How do the fashions go?" 
"Piled up hair and shoulders bare 

And vertebrae all in a row." 

* * * 

"Sir," writes a correspondent, "When I was 
in Butte I dropped my meal ticket on the floor 
and one of those miners with hob-nailed shoes 
stepped on it and punched out a week's board." 

* * * 

Sandy Lost His Ball 

Sandy McDugal was a great golf enthusiast. 
In many months he never missed a morning. 
Then the inevitable happened — Sandy was ab- 
sent. His fellow golfers, worried lest Sandy be 
ill, sought him out. 

They found the old Highlander in appar- 
ently good health. Sandy refused to explain 
his absence from the course until after vigor- 
ous questioning. 

"Weel," drawled Sandy unwillingly, "if ye 
must know, I lost me ball." 

% * * 

There are two things that I can't under- 
stand. A locoed cow and a love-sick man. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 29 

iinujimiiutNiiiuiiiiiHiipiuniiimijii mi iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiiifilirillllllillliliiililtliiiilllilllllllliMlirMlllinilllinilllllllllliliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllliiilllilirtliliinii 

This Can't Be True 

A traveling man had missed his train and 
went back to his home. He took his pass keys 
out of his pocket, opened the door, and to his 
great surprise his wife was sitting on his best 
friend's lap, and kissing him. 

"Smith, I've set a trap for you and caught 
you," shouted the irate husband. 

Smith replied, "With bait like this, you can 
catch me any time!" 

$ * • 

On Picket Duty 

"That was a striking gown your girl wore 
last night." 

"Yes; that was her union suit." 

* * * 

When Mrs. Murphy saw her husband hang- 
ing in the stable she said, "so that's where my 

clothes line went!" 

* * * 

A Thing of Beauty is an expense forever. 

$ :ft :$: 

Where Words Failed 

The new guard was not familiar with a 
certain railway run in Wales. Came a station 
which rejoiced in the name of Llanfair- 
feshanpwllgogerych. For a few minutes he 
stood looking at the sign board in mute help- 
lessness. Then, pointing to the board and wav- 
ing his other arm toward the carriages, he 
called, "If there's anybody there for here, this 
is it."— Western Christian Advocate. 



30 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



imjJiiiinuitiiM 



Mr. Harper's Special 

A Darky and his brown sweetheart, followed 
by three pickaninnies, applied to the clerk of 
a Southern court house for a license to wed. 

The clerk eyed the assemblage doubtfully. 
"Whose children are these?" he asked. 

"Dey our'n," was the ready response from 
the man. 

The clerk was scandalized, being new at his 
post. "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, 
waiting to get married till you have a family 
half grown — " 

"Jedge, you'll have to excuse dat," inter- 
rupted the "bride," sweetly. "De roads out our 
way is so bad!" 

It's a New One On Us 

Elizabeth— Say, daddie, what is that thing 
under your nose? 

Daddie — Why! That's my mustache. Why 
do you ask? 

Elizabeth — I just wondered what you called 
it. Mamma's got one of them things under her 
arm. 

* * * 

Dot's Right 

Cohen — Ikey, what for you go up dem 
shtairs two at a time? 

Ikey — To safe my shoes, fader. 

Cohen — Dot's right, my son; but look out 
you don't shplit your pandts. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 31 



in mi mi iJ«iiiiiiimiiiiiMimiii!iimii"""''rHitmiiiui<iiinimiiiii!iiMmiiii u iiiiiimillltMHllilliiliilll 



Not First Class 

The late Peter Cooper Hewitt, millionaire 
inventor of New York, had a very intimate 
knowledge of high society in the world's 
capitals. 

Mr. Cooper Hewitt, discussing the English 
professional beauties of the '80's, said one day: 

"A famous, or rather a notorious profes- 
sional beauty, visited Constantinople. Her 
charms worked havoc among the Turkish 
nobility. The sultan himself was smitten. 

"At a dinner party on her return, King 
Edward, then the Prince of Wales, questioned 
her about her Turkish conquests. 

" 'You made a great hit with the sultan, I 
believe?' he said. 

" 'The sultan,' she answered with enthusiasm, 
'is a dear. He conferred this decoration on 
me.' 

"And she displayed a jeweled emblem which 
glistened on her white bosom royally. 

" 'It's the order of virtue,' she explained, 
and then, lowering her eyes, she added — 'of the 
second class.'" 

Did you ever sit in the parlor with your best 
girl and hold each other's hands 'til they got 
all "perspiry" and then let go and rub off and 
get a fresh hold again? 

When I die I want to be cremated so I can carry my 
remains around in my vest pocket. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 

"'"me 



^yiirttituiiiiiiituiiiniiiiiiiiiiii!:MT;iTTfiTf:E=iiriTifiiiirtnfiiiriniHiiTiiiiiiiiiniiiTiiinift[iiiiiiiuiiiituiifiiJiifiitiiiiiiiiii[iiiuniu[iiiiiiiiti(ijiiiifiJciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiTii<iiiiiitiiiniiiiiiiiLii^£ 

J Ban z g Editorials l 

"The Ball is Mightier Than the Ballet." 

^nllll]tllI1111H]lTI[linlfni1tEI9lllIlllllirTt!(Fni!fTITl[Ei1iIfTlFI(iriltTllFllI)tllT11{IIIUtrjMIIII(ittllll1IIMri]lllItlI[ItierilIIif[llllllTIlTI[IIIIIIllX[Ilil]lJ[IJIilll[][inilIFtl!lTI111IITIt11111TtintITitItlllrt^3 

RECENTLY there came to our notice a 
booklet containing what purports to be a 
sermon delivered by one Bob Shuler, pas- 
tor of the Trinity Methodist Church, Los An- 
geles, bearing on its cover the statement that it 
is "published in pamphlet form because of the 
utter impossibility of securing the publication 
of such a discussion through any Los Angeles 
daily newspaper." 

Taking for his text, "The Movie Industry 
vs. The Public," Rev. Shuler devotes approxi- 
mately four thousand words to what seems first 
a conviction and then a trial of the only screen 
star ever charged with a felony. He says: 

"That he was directly and absolutely re- 
sponsible for her death, I am certain." 

The worthy pastor then proceeds with the 
admission that "the attitude of the movie lu- 
minaries toward the marriage relation; their 
continuous 'souse' in divorce and scandal ; their 
quarter of a century of screened sex appeal; 
* * * the evident looseness that has sprung 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 33 



iMiciiimtiiiiiiiirimitiimiiiiun: tiiiLisiMiniiiiiiMiiiiiimimmiiiiirrimJitimmitmi ' 



! 
I 



up among them; their booze parties; their 
cigarette smoking beauties; their behavior as 
reported by scores who live neighbor to their 
studios; * * * all has forced me against 
my will and over my protest to believe that a 
majority of the movie crowd are of the same 
stripe * * *." 

Having already found him guilty, Dr. Shuler 
then asks whether this actor is a fair, fit sam- 
ple of a type, and promptly answers his ques- 
tion by saying: 

"I think you will have no trouble in recog- 
nizing that he is a most splendid example of a 
type, a most certain sample of a variety of folk 
who have decided to be the independent authors 
of their own standards of morality or immor- 
ality, without regard to or respect for the pub- 
lic." 

On the same day there was brought to us a 
copy of a daily newspaper containing about 
four thousand words under the heading, "In 
Loving Memory of Harry S. Duffield," being 
a transcript of an eulogy delivered a few weeks 
ago by James Neill at the bier of his brother- 
actor and lifelong friend, from which we quote : 

"In all these years I never heard from these 
dead lips one irreverent oath. His thoughts 
were white and his speech was clean. By na- 
ture he was devotional. He believed in church 
attendance and private prayer, and in the con- 
stant reference of daily concerns to Divine 
guidance. His reputation for gentle judgment 



34 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



:iiiiniii!iiiiiiiiiir!iiiiiiiiiiiMiiiinii]iiimii!iiiiiTiiniiiiiiniimitttiiiiiiiri 






of his fellows was well known. Save to report 
good of his fellowman, he spoke not at all. 
* * * So good-bye forever, dear Harry Duf- 
field, our best beloved, and may the dear, gentle 
God be very tender with you and give you ever- 
lasting peace and rest." 

What power is theirs to soften pain, to edu- 
cate, to instruct, when sent on some constructive 
mission. 

And what a world of destruction they can 
accomplish when their author's purpose is to 
gain notoriety through misrepresentation, to 
besmirch clean men and women by fastening to 
a majority the alleged shortcomings of a few, 
and to entirely disregard the command of our 
Creator, "Judge not that ye be not judged." 

* * * 

The Difference 

Marshal Petain, before he married, was once 
delivering some pretty frank invective against 
marriage in the presence of some friends. He 
ended by saying nearly all married couples led 
a cat-and-dog life. "But, look here," said one 
friend, "that's an absurdly sweeping state- 
ment. Besides, cats and dogs don't always 
quarrel. Look at those two on your hearth at 
this moment. They get on well together." Pe- 
tain smiled. "Tie them together and watch," 

he said. 

* * * 

Judge — Are you guilty? 

Prisoner — I haven't heard the evidence yet. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 35 



iiinmiiiimmii 



^;;!iiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiii[iin^ 

A Dish of Pot Pourri 

^^iiirTTTfiiTTiiirTrTiitiiinTTTJtriiiiiTiifriiiiiiiitfjiiiiiifTTtiiiiiitFiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiriiiiiiTiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiriiiiiiiititiititiirTiiiftTtiiitiiitiiniTiintiiTTiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiittiTitttiTiTTiiTiiriiiiTiiiiiTirmfr^^ 

Put on your muzzle, father, here comes the dog 

catcher. 

* * * 

Salesmanship 

A man was hit by an automobile in front of 
the Whiz Bang News Stand at Sixth Street and 
Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis, the other day. 
He arose rather dazed and ventured "Where 
am I?" 

"Here you are, sir," replied the book seller, 

"a map of Minneapolis for ten cents." 

* * # 

Doctors ought to get wise to themselves and hire some 
cabaret singers to entertain their prescription hounds in the 

waiting rooms. 

* * * 

Mighty Obliging 
Kiss me cute, kiss me cunning; kiss me 

quick, my daddy's coming. 

* * * 

Brother, ah's tough; ah's so tough mah 
shadow won't walk down the street with me, 
an' when ah gargles mah throat ah has to use 

carbolic acid an' boilin' water to even feel it. 

* * * 

You must sleep well, you lie so easy. 



36 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



namjntimiJi;:ii;';iin]!::iii;i;iim:!!!iiiNi:m 



Beg Your Pardon 

Our hired man Pete informs us that it 
wasn't a six-foot tank of solid concrete that he 
dove into, as announced in our last issue, but 
that it was a six-foot tank filled with tapioca 

pudding instead. 

* * * 

I've heard of a lot of absent-minded guys, 
but the one who scratched his hot cake and 
poured the syrup down his neck beats 'em all-^ 
What say? 

sH * 3* 

Whiz Bang's Monthly Motto 

Never look a blind pig in the eye. 

* * * 

Peroxide Blues 

He — You were a red head last night. 
She — Now I'm a black head. 
He — I'll have to squeeze you. 

sfc * * 

We know a certain "reformer" in Santa AnS 
who could make a fortune if he would sell his 

pictures for puzzles. 

* * * 

A Little Cotton Tale 

"Really, I seldom cross my feet in a street 
car." 

"I hardly ever wear silk ones either." 

* * * 

Heard in a Beanery 

Waiter — "One stew for a bum! He has his own 
bread!" 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37 

m;»]MiiiMiitj]iit!iiill]!lu>!ii"iiimiiiiniiiii<iiiiiiiHtiiiti iimm>ii«iii itiiirMMiitit<ii!iiililiil!lfi;iiiiii!njliiiuRttitlin»ii:miiiiii)'-.-!iT>:'v. :!i!!itiTimi!H1IIHIHnillMI|WHMMW 

Our Monthly Special 

Ashes to ashes, sand to sand; please show 

me a butcher that won't weigh his hand. 

^ % % 

I know a man who refuses to shave until he gets a drink 
of good liquor. He is now tripping on his beard. 

* * * 

Were you ever at sea? 

No, madam, I came over from Ireland in a wagon. 
How could you cross the ocean in a wagon? 
Why, my good women, I rowed over. 
% # # 

They All Do That 

I am wild, wild with glee; because I kissed 
my sweetheart, and she slapped me — That con- 
vinced me that she loved me. 

^ % *£ 

Question 

Woman thinks that man is rude 
If he stares at skirt to knee, 
But, lady, do you wear it short 

Just for other girls to see? 

* * * 

My girl's name is Niagara. She falls for anybody. 

* * & 

The Villain 
They shot him with limburger cheese and 
then killed him for smelling bad. 

:>: * $ 

He — My father has a rabbit tattooed on his 
arm. 

She — That's nothing. My father has hares 
all over his chest. 



1 



38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 

imimi i hi iiiuiMiimii 1 1 1 minim i mum wwnim ill I iiiwhiiiii ii hi 1 1 1 m 1 1 1 1 1 111 11 1 1 1 1 1 1 iiiiiii i iiiiii 111 ihbmiiiiiiimiiiiiih i nimwiiwiriiil inn iiihm 1 1 i n llMi 1 1 11 iiiii 1 1 1 1 1 w i« 

Memories of the Depot Man 

Down on a depot platform, 
Bathed in the bleak wintry breeze, 
Shy long ago of its contents, 
With nothing inside it to freeze; 
Shy long ago of its contents, 
Drained of its last amber dreg, 
Bungless and beerless and friendless, 
Stands an empty eight gallon keg. 

* * * 

She — You married me for love and got it. 
Old Foggie — You married me for money and 
got it. 

She — I'll tell the world I earned it. 



Truck Driver to Barber 

Don't put any of that powder on my face, 
see! What ya tink I am, a sissie? 

A fashion magazine reminds us that one 
way to get away from the city Bustle is to 

move to the Outskirts. 

* * * 

A Home Run 
While swimming someone stole his clothes, 
so he painted a number on his B. V. D.'s and 
ran home like a track man. 

Line Up For Mess, Boys 

Cora, Cora, I adore you, 
And for home I hate to start, 
But the beans are ready, Cora, 
And the best of friends must part. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 39 

iiiiifljitrtuiuniiiiiiiiiiiiiimtmuiniiiiimiiiiiiiiiKimMiiimii:!!!!! Liuimiiiumiiuiiiminiiii HllllimiMlim uimu 



pi!iiiiiiin!iiu!i;iiiiniii;ii iiinniiiiiiiiiniiiiiniiiininiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiinnnniniiii inn iiiiiiiiniiiiiinniueiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniuiiiiiiuiniiiiiiiiifliiiiiiiHiiiuiniini 

Confessions of a Bride 

^^iijj.ji : h;iiiniLi ( jiiiiii[[iii:niiui L!i:iiiin nMn(Ji;it;]iiLJiit!:jniLi iiiinniuL:MiiJ i rii liei [ULiiiruiiii [iMi^i ! L'jjii riMtciii itiMH I ; :-rini riLMnuii i lli iLLiLLC^L^'.^ihiiu;! I n !-[ii![iiint:!i|[iMiii^^P 
A Daily Newspaper Raving 

CALL UP a steeple-jack today and get 
him to paint the flag pole on the 
garage," said Warren as he finished his 
sixth helping of ham and eggs, and folded the 
morning paper preparatory to leaving for the 
office. "Why, Warren," Helen exclaimed, "I 
can do the job as well "as a steeple- jack, and 
the money saved can be used to buy a new 
worm for our still; the old one is almost worn 
out." 

Since Warren's salary had been reduced 
from $3,000 to $2,984 a month Helen had 
watched every dollar, and the thought of paying 
a man 50 or 75 cents to paint the flag pole 
caused big tears to form in her eyes and run 
down her cheeks into the platter of fried mock 
turtle, which was her favorite breakfast dish. 

"There, there, little wife, don't cry," pleaded 
Warren, placing an arm on her shoulder and 
gently kicking her back of the right ear, "We'll 
say no more about the matter today, but if I 
hear of you trying to climb that flag pole I'll 
cave in half a dozen of your ribs" and flinging 



40 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



iiiiiiimimiiiii!!!ii!!iii!;iimiiiiimm!niiiii;;:;;':i[!;:;n.: 



her a kiss he dashed blithely out of the house 
and hailing a passing whisky runner's car, was 
soon out of sight on his way to work. 

Helen busied herself around the house and 
tried to keep her mind off of the painting job. 
Since they had dispensed with the services of 
three maids and there was no one to assist her 
with the house work except Bridget, the 
Japanese house girl, there was much for her 
to do. Getting Baby Winifred ready for school 
was the biggest task, and this morning the little 
girl was more unruly than ever. Only by 
giving her a large glass of potato whisky 
mixed with snuff, of which the child was 
intensely fond could Helen induce her to stop 
breaking the cut glass decanters on the 
sideboard, and allow herself to be dressed. 

Making out the order for the butcher shop 
occupied three hours, and when that was done 
it was time for her music lesson, for Helen 
never allowed anything to interfere with her 
musical education, and at ten o'clock she seated 
herself at the Victrola and under the skillful 
tutelage of her teacher she was soon able to 
play the overture from "Lily of the Alley." 

From eleven until two was spent in eating 
a light lunch, and then Jacquiline Olson 
dropped in to complain about Mabel, Helen's 
pet cobra, biting her little boy. The Olson 
woman was always distasteful to Helen and 
when she requested that the snake be kept tied 
up during the summer months, Helen arose 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41 



irrumoiiiimimiiriuiiimmimiiti mini 



majestically and with a deft uppercut knocked 
her over three chairs into the wood-box, where 
she lay moaning feebly and offered no resistance 
when Helen carried her over to the window and 
dropped her with a crash into the alley. 

Most women would have considered their 
day wrecked after such an incident, but Helen, 
after draining a dipperful of hemlock wine, 
dismissed the affair from her mind and started 
to repair one of the dining room chairs she had 
broken in a friendly argument with Warren 
the evening before. After several futile 
attempts to make the glue stick she gave it 
up as a bad job and flung the chair in the bath 
tub where she was certain Warren would not 
see it for months. Then the telephone rang 
and a deep bass voice informed her that Baby 
Winifred had been arrested for throwing rocks 
at the statue of Benedict Arnold in front of the 
city hall. 

"Well, there's nothing I can do till Warren 
comes home," said Helen as she hung up the 
receiver and went out in the back yard to dig a 
hole to bury the neighbor's bull dog which 
Pussy Purr-mew had just dragged in the house. 
"I wish the dear thing wouldn't bring home all 
the dogs she kills," sighed Helen, "but I suppose 
she wants to show me what a good fighter she 



is." 



After burying the dog, Helen went back to 
the house and picking up the latest issue of 
Naughty Stories, soon was so interested that 



42 Captain Billy's Whiz Bony 



iiimi t.,i::-iiiiiiiiNiiiimiiiiiii!]iii)mnti;HHti!iiHi 



she did not hear the voices of the men at the 
front door when they brought Warren home 
from the office, drunk, and dumped him on 
the front porch, where he lay until she stumbled 
over him an hour later. 

By this time Warren was sober enough to 
eat supper, which he did in a silence only 
broken when he inhaled the soup and drank his 
coffee. 

"Why don't you talk to me?" Helen 
demanded toward the end of the meal. "Don't 
sit there like a dummy and never say a word. 
Men are such brutes!" And throwing herself 

behind the kitchen stove she wept bitterly. 

* * * 

Too Fast! 

The Victor Dog sat on a talking machine 
and the record ran so fast, that the dog's head 
caught up with his tail, and he didn't have room 

to pass "His Master's Voice." 

* * * 

Olaf had a little dog, 

'Twos free from fleas and sins; 

One day it squeezed right through the fence, 

And barked — its little shins. 

— Shakespeare. 

* * * 

Sweet Dada 

My girl's ears are so large that if you were 
to look at her from the back you would swear 

she was a loving cup. 

* * * 

As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 43 



riiiumiiiiii Mt>i!!ii!MiiiiiimiMii(iiimtimiirmiimi!iNiiii:.:< ■ iiur.m'ii 



giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiii mniimmmiminiiiini iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiniiiniiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 

Smokehouse Poetry 

lllllllllll|[|!IIIIIIIIIillllllllllllllllllllllllllll!lllllllllllll«llinillllll lllll!lllllllllll!i:i!llll!i:|!iil!!![||||||||||Ill[|illlllllllllllllllllll|[llllll!llllllllllill!l!!llllllllllll!llllll!ll]I![llllllllll 



In the April issue Snwekhouse Poetry feats will be 
treated to an old classic, "Absolution," by Nesbit. 

"But the Priest's duty bade him seek her out 
And say, 'My child, why dost thou sit apart? 
Hast thou some grief? Hast thou some secret 

doubt? 
Come and unfold to me thine inmost heart." * * * 

And as the dim east brightened, slowly ceased 
The zvild devotion that had filled the priest — 
And with full sunlight he sprang up — a man ! * * * 

"Oh, lips so quiet, eyes tltai will not see! 
Qh, clinging hands that not again will cling! 
This last poor sin may well be pardoned thee, 
Since for the right's sake thou hast done this 
thing." * * * 



Night After Night 

Night after night the cards were fairly shuffled 
And fairly dealt, but still I got no hand. 

The morning came, but I with mind unruffled 
Did simply say, "I do not understand." 

Life is a game of whist: from unseen sources 
The cards are shuffled and the hands are dealt. 

Vain are our efforts to control the forces 
Which though unseen are no less strongly felt. 



44 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



The Kid's Last Fight 

Us two was pals, the Kid and me; 
Twould cut no ice if some gayzee, 
As tough as hell jumped eithei one, 
We'd both light in and hand him some. 

Both of a size, the Kid and me, 
We tipped the scales at thirty-three; 
And when we'd spar 'twas give and take, 
I wouldn't slug for any stake. 

One day we worked out at the gym, 
Some swell guy hangin' round called "Slim," 
Watched us and got stuck on the Kid. 
Then signed him up, that's what he did. 

This guy called "Slim" he owned a string 
Of lightweights, welters, everything; 
He took the Kid out on the road, 
And where they went none of us knowed. 

I guessed the Kid had changed his name, 
And fightin' best ones in the game, 
I used to dream of him at night, 
No letters came — he couldn't write. 

In just about two months or three 
I signed up with Bucktooth McGee, 
He got me matched with Denver Brown, 
I finished him in half a round. 

Next month I fought with Brooklyn Mike, 
As tough a boy who hit the pike; 
Then Frisco Jim and Battlin' Ben, 
And knocked them all inside of ten. 

I took 'em all and won each bout, 
None of them birds could put me out; 
The sportin' writers watched me slug, 
Then all the papers run my mug. 

"He'd rather fight than eat," they said, 
"He's got the punch, he'll knock 'em dead." 
There's only one I hadn't met, 
That guy they called "The Yorkshire Pet." 

He'd cleaned 'em all around in France, 
No one in England stood a chance; 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 45 



And I was champ in IT. S. A., 

And knocked 'em cuckoo every day. 

Now all McGee and me could think, 
Was how we'd like to cross the drink, 
And knock this bucko for a row. 
And grab a wagon load of dough. 

At last Mac got me matched all right, 
Five thousand smackers lor the figfat; 
Then me and him packed up our grip, 
And went to grab that championship. 

I done some trarnin' and the night 
Set for the battle, sure was right; 
The crowd was wild, for this here bout 
Was set to last till one was out. 

The mob went crazy when the Pet 
Came in, I'd never seen him yet; 
And then I climbed up through the ropes. 
All full of fight and full of hopes. 

The crowd gave me an awl'ul yell, 

('Twas even money at the bell) 

They stamped their feet and shook the place; 

The Pet turned 'round, I saw his face! 

My guts went sick, that's what they did. 
For Holy Gee, it was the Kid! 
We just had time for one good shake, 
We meant rt too, it wasn't fake. 

Whang- went the bell, the fight was on, 
I clinched until the round was gone, 
A beggin' that he'd let me take 
The fall for him — he wouldn't fake. 

Hell, no, the Kid was on the square. 
And said w< had to fight it fair, 
The crowd had bet their dough en us — 
We had to fight (the honest cuss). 

The referee was yellin' "break," 
The crowd was sore and howlin' "fake," 
They'd paid their dough to see a scrap. 
And so far we'd not hit a tap. 



46 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 

iitiiumiuiiiiuintiiiiiniiiniiiiitiiiiiiiniiiniHiiiiiiiii i iiiiiiniiii.'.itii- »■ nil uiiimmiiixm n jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiininiimiimiiiiiiiiiiiin uitinniin 

The second round we both begin, 
I caught a fast one on my chin; 
And stood like I was in a doze, 
Until I got one on the nose. 

I started landin' body blows, 
He hooked another on my nose, 
That riled my fightin' blood like hell, 
And we was sluggin' at the bell. 

The next round started, from the go, 
The millin' -we did wasn't slow, 
I landed hard on him, and then, 
He took the count right up to ten. 

He took the limit on one knee, 
— A chance to get his wind you see; 
At ten he jumped up like a flash 
And on my jaw he hung a smash. 

I'm fightin' too there, toe to toe, 
And hittin' harder, blow for blow, 
I damn soon knowed he couldn't stay, 
He rolled his eyes — you know the way. 

The way he staggered made me sick, 
I stalled, McGee yelled "cop him quick!" 
The crowd was wise and yellin' "fake," 
They'd seen the chance I wouldn't take. 

That mob kept tellin' me to land, 
And callin' things I couldn't stand; 
I stepped in close and smashed his chin, 
The Kid fell hard, he was all in. 

I carried him into his chair, 
And tried to bring him to for fair, 
I rubbed his wrists, done everything, 
— A doctor climbed into the ring. 

And I was scared as I could be, 
The Kid was starin' and can't see; 
The doctor turned and shook his head, 
I looked again — the Kid was dead! 
* * * 

Just because you ow-n an Ingersoll watch is no indica- 
tion you're a horological expert. 



1 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 47 



friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiitimiiKM! urn 



The Rolling Stone 

The reason I never can quit the road 
Is a reason that's plain and clear; 
It's because no matter where I may stop 
And whether it's far or near, 
There is a place beyond the place I am 
Wherever I may be at, 
And then beyond is a place beyond, 
And the world beyond all that 

And as long as a man has eyes to see 
And a brain that wants to know, 
I figure there are things he's bound to miss 
If he doesn't go on and go. 
For there's always a place beyond that place 
I happen to hand my hat; 
And another place beyond that place 
And the world beyond all that. 

* * * 

"Did you hear the one about the mouse- 
trap?" 
"No." 

"Well, ifs snappy." 

* * * 

A fool and his honey are soon mated. 

* * * 

"I'm glad my affairs are rounded into good 
shape" said the pretty young thing as she 
pulled on her stockings. 

You Can't Tamper 

Heard about the classy new neckwear for 
trainmen? They say these railroad ties are 

quite the rage. 

* * * 

"Is she a very modest girl?" 

"Very — she won't even look at the weather strip on the 
house!" 



48 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



ummniiiiiiimiMmtmiiiminrimimiirMiiiiniiiiiiiimiiimiiiiTiitii 



Slobbering Blues 

"Let me kiss those tears away!" he begged 
tenderly. 

She fell in his arms, and he was busy for 
the next few moments. And yet the tears 
flowed on. 

"Can nothing stop them?" he asked, breath- 
lessly sad. 

"No," she murmured; "it is hay fever, you 
know. But go on with the treatment." 

* # * 

Encore Ha Ha 

Mr. Jones had recently become the father 
of twins. The minister stopped him in the 
street to congratulate him. 

"Well, Jones, I hear that the Lord has 
smiled on you," he said. 

"Smiled on me!" repeated Jones. "He 

laughed out loud at me." 

* * * 

A Colorado Egg 

While a Denver physician was inspecting 
the insane hospital at Pueblo an inmate ap- 
proached him and asked: "I beg your pardon, 
sir, but have you a piece of toast?" "No," re- 
plied the doctor, in surprise, "but I can get a 
piece if you want it badly." "Oh, I wish you 
would. I'm a poached egg and I want to sit 

down." 

* * * 

Jockey thrown in first race at New Orleans: 
"Let Zybszko ride him." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 49 



.iiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiimiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiu i 



A Startling Exegesis 

At a colored camp meeting in Lousiana the 
following sermon was delivered by a very black 
old darky, wearing huge spectacles: 

"Brethren and Sistren, de preachifying dis 
mawnin' will be from de text on de 10 virgins. 
De bridegroom war a-coming and 'spectin' dem 
10 virgins to be ready wif dere lamps all 
trimmed and a-burnin', but, lo, when he was 
come he done foun' dat on'y five of dem virgins 
war ready; yessir, five was trimmed and five 
was ontrimmed; five was wise and five was on- 
wise; five was ready and five was onready; five 
was male and five was female." — Harper's 
Magazine. * * * 

Must Be Dr. Cupid 

"I don't like your heart action," said the 
doctor, applying his stethoscope. 

"You've had some trouble with angina pec- 
toris, haven't you?" 

"You're partly right, Doc," answered the 
young man, sheepishly. "Only that ain't her 
name." — Pathfinder. 

£ $ £ 

Roll 'Em Out Kid 

When I was farmin' in North Dakota I 
raised spuds an' one day I went out to see how 
my spuds was comin'. The patch was right on 
a side hill. Well, sir, do you know that when 
I pulled up that vine two bushels of spuds 
rolled out of that hill before I could plug up 
the hole. 



50 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 

iiiitiiiiniHHnniwtiniiiTinmtitmiiittiitiiHiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiliilllliiitmilfiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiim'iiiitiiiniiiiutH mi iiiimiimiHimiiHimiiiiiiiiiiiiimmwmtiiimtRM 

The Piping Costs 

The colored minister had just concluded a 
powerful sermon on "Salvation is Free" and 
was announcing that a collection would be 
taken. Up jumped a brother in the back of 
the church. "If salvation is free," he inter- 
rupted, "what's the use paying for it? I'm 
going to give you nothing till I find out. 
Now—" 

"Patience, brother, patience," said the par- 
son. "I'll illustrate. Suppose you were 
thirsty and came to a river. You could kneel 
right down and drink, couldn't you? And it 
would cost you nothing, would it?" 

"Of course not. That's just what I — " 

"That water would be free," continued the 
parson. "But supposing you were to have that 
water piped to your house, you would have to 
pay, would you not?" 

"Yes, sir, but—" 

"Well, brother, salvation is free, but it is 

the having it piped to you that you got to pay 

for. Pass the hat, sexton." 

* * * 

IT WAS rather quiet at the postoffice the 
other day and outside of the Whiz Bang 
mail our genial postmaster, Bud Nasset, 
sorted out only two letters. The first one was 
addressed to Deacon Miller from his son, read- 
ing as follows: "Dear Father — I am in jail. 
Son." The Deacon's answer was the other let- 
ter, "Dear Son— So am I. Father." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 51 

■■mtmmitiiMMMmiiAitmitmmiiMitwttiH^^ 



|!ll]IIIl!II[illl>iniI[!!![i!!1lllllllIIII!!l[[M 

Chinese Nightmare Cities 

MuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiuniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiM 

BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL 

Pastor People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn. 

ALL aboard for China, the country of Con- 
fucius and chop suey! At Canton a won- 
derful spectacle took place at the wharf. 
A sampan man had beaten his wife and thrown 
her on the dock where she sat and chanted in a 
monotonous voice while a hundred coolies gath- 
ered round and watched the interesting cere- 
mony. She referred to her husband and his an- 
cestors, then scraped up a little pile of dirt, 
spat on it, molded it into the image of a man, 
addressed it with a few words, suddenly knelt 
and foully insulted it, and so eased her con- 
science, balanced the books of honor and "saved 
her face." 

From the Hotel Victoria in the Shameen, or 
Foreign Quarter, two cadaverous coolies car- 
ried me in a coffin-shaped sedan chair across 
a stinking canal into native Canton. My guide, 
Ah Cum, led the way. The streets were so 
narrow and the show windows so near that 1 
could have been a shoplifter with both hands. 
If hungry, there was a free lunch counter ex- 



52 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



minimi tiiimnnnii 



tending along the streets with tea and rice, live 
fish, glazed ducks, gory pigs, a choice assort- 
ment of fresh entrails, some dead dogs and rats, 
crates of yowling cats, and huge pots of slimy 
soup thickened with animal, vegetable and 
other matter that would make the Witches' 
Cauldron in "Macbeth" look like a cup of con- 
somme in comparison. 

At the Temple of the Five Hundred Genii, 
where the prayers of the holy had given way 
to the harangues of the politicians, I saw a 
gilded statue big as life of the first European 
globe-trotter to China, Marco Polo. Such a 
traveler was a novelty then, but now is a nuis- 
ance. I went by old walls whose painted 
dragons the new Chinese had wiped out; by 
temples whose only occupants were a few sec- 
ond-hand gods and bats; took time to visit the 
water-clock tower where drops of water instead 
of grains of sand mark the time of China's 
millions towards the grave; passed through 
gates of the old city wall to the hillside where 
hundreds had been shot; looked into the grave- 
yard where the poor common people rest after 
life's fitful fever, while the restless rich, who 
shunned them in life, lie apart from them in 
the City of the Dead. 

Like mummies in a museum, they sleep un- 
bni'ied in their rich caskets and await the 
giT.fting geomancer, that oriental undertaker, 
who promises the relatives to find some place 
in the ground undisturbed by the Great Dragon. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 53 



By the religious milestone of the five-storied, 
weedy, seedy Pagoda, whose oracles are dumb, 
I headed for the Execution Grounds in the pot- 
tery district where the sharp sword had sent 
many a man back to his original clay. 

China is becoming civilized now and stands 
her criminals up against a wall and shoots 
them. Here was a narrow alley lined with 
earthen pots covered with mats, under which 
were fleshless skulls. One of them seemed to 
look imploringly at me, and I picked it up. 
Alas, some poor Chinese Yorick ! I was anxious 
to see the man who struck the fearful blows, 
and Ah Cum called the executioner who came 
out with a knife estimated to have cut off 300,- 
000 heads in thirty years. There is a death 
here by "seventy-two cuts," but one from his 
sword was enough. 

Bayard Taylor said China was a good place 
to leave, and I was not very sorry when the 
whistle blew to east off and say good-bye to the 
city of dreadful sights, sounds, suffering and 
smells. Leaving the grotesque outline of an old 
fort, a little island stained by some dark mur- 
der, a place where pirates had scuttled a ship, 
a picturesque Pagoda looking like an eight- 
story Easter bonnet, Grecian-bend shaped junk- 
boats and sampans like big, broken barrels 
floating along, we sailed down the Pearl River 
and at midnight reached the Portuguese town of 
Macao. On deck we were surprised to find the 
officers embracing the coolies. Were they try- 



54 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



mmitllUII imiiiiiijiii MM MumiiiiiiiiiiitiiKJJiimiiiiimniiiimitmilimiiti iiwmii 




ing to relieve them of their hard-earned spoils 
of fan-tan which they had won during the 
night? No, the honest officials were only 
searching for concealed arms, but found only 
those which Nature had allowed and provided. 

An illuminated sign, "First-class Gambling 
House," drew my attention. Gambling, next to 
loafing and the manufacture of opium, is the 
principal occupation of the youngest and oldest 
inhabitants. Macao is the Oriental Monte 
Carlo. Gambling here is backed by the govern- 
ment which gets back a certain per cent of the 
earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums 
and cheap lodgings for the people who have 
been beaten at the game. At this gambling- 
hell one could play at the big table downstairs, 
or drop into the game by lowering his money 
in a small basket from the balcony above. Tired 
of the game, the player recuperates his wasted 
energies here by eating bird-nest soup and 
shark-fins, or drinking Portuguese wines. If 
he is sleepy, he may take the opium-pipe train 
of thought to the Flowery Land where every- 
day is Sunday. 

At a "song-parlor" some Chinese dolls 
amused us with their squeaky voices and knife- 
scraping music. It sadly recalled my visit to a 
Hongkong house of pleasure whose almond-eyed 
inmates illustrated Confucius' remark that 
"women had no souls," and the Chinese phi- 
losophy which attributes death and evil to Yin, 
the female principle in Nature. Their artifi- 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 55 



NlltmilllnlllHlllllllllliltriliiittiii.uitLii 



daily whitened and rouged faces were ghastly, 
and their flower-and- jewel-bedecked hair glued 
down to the skull was anything but attractive 
to an Occidental eye. Their lips were red like 
the dawn of day, their complexions like con- 
gealed ointment, and their betel-nut-stained 
teeth like black watermelon seeds. They un- 
furled painted fans, sipped tea, nibbled sweet- 
meats, puffed at opium-pipes, and looked quite 
flowery in their blue collars, purple tunics and 
bright green trousers. I wonder if the men, 
whom they were entertaining, remembered the 
Chinese proverb, "There is no such poison in 
the green snake's mouth or in the hornet's sting 
as in a woman's heart." 

After visiting next day a firecracker fac- 
tory, temples, joss-houses, and a tobacco plant 
where little children and old women were at 
work sorting the leaves, I was conducted to 
Macao's notorious opium factory. I entered a 
low-ceiling room where men were stripped to 
their waists like blacksmiths at the forge. They 
picked up the crude opium, shaped like a cocoa- 
nut shell, scooped out the chocolate-looking sub- 
stance, threw it into a kind of brass wash-basin 
under which roared the fire, until it steamed 
and blubbered like a pot of hot mush or molas- 
ses. They darted here and there like imps with 
these pans. Then the liquid was poured in por- 
celain boxes of various sizes. The whole place 
seemed like a Devil"s smithyshop where chains 
were being forged for lost souls. The odor was 



56 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



>iiiiii:i:;iiimiM!itfijjimiriii rum iimiiir uiniriiiiniiMutmr i:iiittttTtmimtrmiinii 



peculiar and penetrating. I must have ab- 
sorbed some of the dope, for I felt dizzy and 
was glad to get outside in the fresh air. 

There is no more melancholy sight, in China's 
teeming nightmare cities, than a drug-befud- 
dled victim staggering out in the early dawn 
from some hasheesh house and tumbling down 
in the street where he dreams he is in the 
Celestial City with his ancestors. When he is 
rudely awakened by a hungry rat gnawing his 
hand or foot, the golden vision vanishes. In the 
cold light of the morning, racked with nameless 
pains, he crawls off to work at some mean job, 
hoping to make enough for another night's 
opium dream in which to forget the hell of this 

tormenting world. 

* * * 

Be An "I Can" Giant 

As on through Life's journey we go, day by day, 

There are two whom we meet, at each turn of the way. 

To help or to hinder — to bless or to ban, 

And the names of these two are "I Can't" and "I Can!" 

"I Can't" is a dwarf, a poor, pale, puny imp, 

His eyes are half blind and his walk is a limp. 

He stumbles and falls, or lies writhing in fits, 

And for those who would help him plants snares and digs pits. 

"I Can" is a giant, unbending he stands, 
There is strength in his arms, and skill in his hands, 
He asks for no favors, he wants but a share 
Where labor is honest and wages are fair. 
$ $ $ 

"Now, let's stick together, boys," said the 
first of three flies as they lit on the piece of 
tanglefoot. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 57 



.-i;i!!!!111lltllll!!:iill]ltlllHllli:HllllllHIIIH!HHIIIillHI!UnimS![IIHIIIU 



An Immediate Saving 

Ikey kicked in the bathroom door and dis- 
covered Rebecca dead in the bath tub. For a 
moment he gazed horror stricken, then rushed 
to the head of the stairs and shouted to the 
maid, "Mary, Mary!" 

"Yes, sir," answered the shixa. 

"Only von egg for breakfast dis morning, 
Mary." 

^ * ♦ 

Ad In Theatrical Paper 

Engagement wanlted. Small part, such as dead body 

or outside shouts. 

* * * 

Fancy Poetry 

Father got his hand blown off. That was a terrible sin. 
It could have been worse if it was the hand that he had his 
wages in. 



* 



"Paris is falling," delicately hinted the 
maiden, as her escort's garter snapped and fell 

over his shoe-top. 

* * * 

"Trash!" exclaimed the president of the Ash Men's 
Union, as the secretary finished reading the reports. 

f * # * 

Bang! Bang! 

Lady went into a store and asked for a 
camisole. "What bust?" asked the salesman. 

"I didn't hear anything," she replied. 

* * * 

Tell the truth and shame the family. 



58 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



rtiicimtttiniirimti'tiiftiiniiiiiiiiiri 



They Shot Spitballs 

A good story is told on our old friend 
Colonel Luce of the Minnesota National Guard. 
Two battalions of the Colonel's regiment were 
staging a sham battle at their summer en- 
campment. 

The defending forces took possession of a 
small hill overlooking a river and destroyed 
the only bridge by the simple method of tack- 
ing up a notice on it stating that they had done 
so. As a result it was quite a surprise to them 
to see the attacking forces swarming across 
the bridge, making extraordinary motions in 
front of them with their hands. 

"Hold on there, men!" shouted the Colonel's 
aide from the observer's post, "you can't cross 
that bridge. It has been blown up." 

"Tuhel with that!" retorted the Major of 
the other side, "we're not crossing it, can't you. 

see we are swimming the dang river?" 

* * * 

Let's Now Sing 

I love a lassie, 
She's naughty, but, 
She's classy. 

The Morning Mail 

When we were in the army we used to read 
"The Daily Undershirt." 

sK ♦ 41 

A woman's beauty is always a liability, 
although at times considered a big asset. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 59 



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Classified Ads 



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We'll Take the Solar System 

(Prom the L. A. Times) 
Personal — Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business 
or will assume domestic work for opportunity in' music and art. 
Prefer aged person financially able who would appreciate ray of 
sunshine. Address MP. 

* * * 

One "Bier" Makes a Jolly Party 

(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald) 
An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters, 
Miss Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral 
Tuesday, and put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had 
a jolly fine time. 

Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer 

(Prom the Peoria Journal) 
Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young 
farmer, like one with car, for pastime and results. Adldress C. 
A., care Star. 

% *£ % 

It's Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point 

(Adv. of Chicago Beach. Hotel) 

Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very 
comfortable. 

* * * 

Has Your Wife Gone to the Country? 

(From the Denver Post) 
Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any 
proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must 
earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers 
confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get It. 



60 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 

uiuusiiii- i ■■■■' '"'iiUiliiiiiimnHiuxtiiiiiiitiiiiimiiiiiHitii 



One at a Time 

Years ago when W. A. McConnell was man- 
ager of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet 
parrot which was kept in the box office. Dur- 
ing a "big run" the ticket seller was wont to 
say, "Get in line, please; one at a time, one at 
a time, gentlemen." 

The bird escaped one afternoon, and 
McConnell commissioned some boys to find it, 
which they did on an old tree in a nearby park, 
where several crows were making its feathers 
fly. McConnell asked if the bird said anything 
and the leader of the boys replied: "Yes, he 
said, 'Get in line, please; one at a time, one at 

a time, gentlemen.' " 

* * * 

We Should Worry 

The porch was dark. The hour was late. 
The couple sat whispering among the shadows. 

"Mary," called a voice, "it's time for you to 
come in." 

No movement. 

"Come in, Mary." 

Still no movement. 

He asked: "Don't you mind your mother?" 

"Not unless you do, Jimmy." 

* * * 

Here's Lookin' Atchew! 

Boy — "What is a grass widow?" 
Father — "A woman whose husband died 
with the hay fever." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang . 61 

Something to Worry About 

Among the things you read about but never 

see is a crease in a fat man's trousers. 

* * * 

"Along the Road" 

I walked a mile with Pleasure; 

She chattered all the way, 
But left me none the wiser 

For all she had to say. 

I walked a mile with Sorrow 

And ne'er a word said she; 
But oh, the things I learned from her 

When Sorrow walked with me! 

* * * 

Broadway's Leg Lane 

(From New York Times) 
HOMELESS HUSBANDS — If you want a friend, a pal — a 
WIFE!— look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND 
NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex 
and shekels — surely not in the endless procession of poppy- 
painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an 
O'Shanter witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat- 
gaited; so short that these bogus beauties have turned the most 
beautiful Avenue of the world into a mere leg lane — a free rival 
of the sash-clad ladies of a Broadway burlesque. 

* * * 

These Were the Good Old Days 

"Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See 
for yourself. And we all paid the two bits and 
saw a jackass." 

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol. 
Any relation to Lysol? 
No, Ingersoll. Watch me! 

* - i * 

Torch Pulls This One 

It's a long road that has no roadhouse. 



1 



62 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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I 



pilllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllilllllllliffillllllllllllilllllllllllllillllim^ 

Our Rural Mail Box 

illlll[[l!llll!l!!!nilllllllllllllllllinil!l!l!!lil]lllllllllllllllllllllll!l[llinilllllllllll!illlllll!lllllllliniini!!!llllllin^ 

Bridget — Better put on your woolen socks, 
Bridget, or you will catch cold in your lungs. 

* * * 

Andy Gump — A continuous buzzing noise in 
your ears is not always a sign of serious mental 
trouble, or any other illness. It is probably the 
first indication that your wife needs a new hat. 

Sweet Marie — You are mistaken, Marie. 
The Scottish Highlanders are not members of 

the Middlesex Regiment. 

* * * 

Weeping Winnie — Cheer up, Winnie. You 
are overdosed on pessimism and, in retrospec- 
tion, I feel sure you have presented a very sad 
aspect to the cynics of humanity. 

Queen Liz — Your singing lessons may keep 
the wolf away from the door, 'tis true, if the 
wolf hears you. 

* * * 

"You can't pick me up — I'm not of that 
metal," said the piece of glass to the bar mag- 
net. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 63 

ttiiriniii DiQHflminnnnimmflHHmiiiti imnii m imnniiitininiQiuitiinmnmiumiiiDiti iiuuiniMUiiiiHtiiniHniNniimiiiiiintiiniiu i m i imiiiiti i ■iihiim [tfliiumiiniiunM 

Naughty Nellie — Where does your lap go 

when you stand up? 

# * # 

Willie Zatso — It is considered bad manners 
for children to stick their elbows out when cut- 
ting their meat at dinner. You might make 

your father cut his mouth. 

* * * 

A knock-kneed man walked down the street. Said 
the right knee to the left knee, "If you let me get around 

"this time I'll let you get around next time." 

* * * 

Warm Stuff 

I saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit down the 
hill and it was so hot the dog and rabbit were 
both walking. (Lie down, Fido, you're all wet.) 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

We Clipped This 

"I've got that down Pat," said Mrs. Flani- 

gan, as she gave her son a dose of castor oil. 

# * * 

Bob — "You look sweet enough to eat." 

Gert— "I do! Where shall we go?" 

* * * 

Frank Adams in a recent Cosmopolitan 
story describes the modern dance thusly: 

"If there wasn't any music they would be 
arrested." 

My head is dizzy, 
My eyes are getting sore, 
That's all for this issue, 
There ain't any more. 



Th 



inter Annual 



CONTENTS 



Drippings from the Fawcett 
Gikl in Blue Velvet Band 
Face on the Barroom Floor 
Frankie and Johnnie Blues 
Shooting of Dan McGrew 
Wedding of the Persian Cat 
Ace in the Hole 
Booze Fighter's Dream 
Diary of a Divorcee 
Fable of the Bull 
Highty Tighty Aphrodite 
Golightly Highballs 
How to Kiss Deliciously 
Hunting the Wily Pole Cat 
Mohammedan Bull 
Our Own Fairy Queen 
Tool House on the Farm 
The Old Smokehouse 
Questions and Answers 
Gila Monster Route 



Pasture Pot Pourrj 
Hooch Cure Blues 
Dying Hobo 
Lasca 
Sam's Girl 
Toledo Slim 
Evolution 
Poppies 

After the Raid 
The Harpy 
The Suicide 
Tarnished Goods 
Separation 
Little Red God 
The Ladies 
Limber Kicks 
Naughty But Nice 
To the Girl 
Rural Mail Box 
Tired Hired Man 



Life's a Funny Proposition After All 



Pedigreed Follies 
of 1921-22 

256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early 
editions of Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang. Stories, 
toasts, poems, drippings tmd pot pourri 
comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book. 

Only a Few Left 

If your newsdealer's supply is exhaust- 
ed, pin a dollar bill, or your check, money 
order or stamps to the coupon below and 
receive this peppy collection. 



Whfz Bang, 

Robbinsdale, Minnesota. 
Gentlemen : 

Enclosed la dollar bill, check, money order or stamps 
for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annua? 
of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, "Pedigreed Follies of 
1921-22." 

Name 

Address 



Everywhere! 



Whiz Bang is on sale 
at all leading hotels, 
news stands, 25 cents 
single copies; on trains 
30 cents, or may be 
ordered direct from 
the publisher at 25 
cents single copies; 
two-fifty a year. 

One dollar for the 
WINTER ANNUAL.